S.O.S. – Lacking Motivation

I started taking my twice daily medications earlier (at six a.m./p.m. versus seven a.m./p.m.) hoping that it would make me tired earlier, and curb the binge-eating as a result. It does make me tired earlier, but did not curb the binge-eating… I just binge-eat earlier.

I take Mirtazapine to induce sleep and combat night terrors (a result of Complex PTSD, stemming from sexual trauma); but unfortunately, Mirtazapine is also used to induce appetite in those that have issues with non-existent hunger. The fact that I do not have issues with the latter doesn’t change the fact that I’m forced to deal with the side effect of increased appetite.

In addition, Mitchell is gone this week, which means an increase in my anxiety and a deeper (albeit, rather irrational) fear of abandonment — an embedded characteristic for Borderlines. In the past, I dealt with these feelings by drinking and/or drugging them away. Now, I eat to cope. Knowing that I do this, my dear husband filled the pantry with sweet and salty snacks; and I’ve been more than happy to consume them in irresponsible amounts (which is my failing, and not in any way his responsibility to control).

I’ve grown frustrated and angry with my inability to control this remaining addiction, feelings that are less than productive motivators for change.

You Can’t Twelve-Step Crazy

Twelve-stepping it can only take me so far, because I will always have the fear of abandonment. No matter how successfully I work a program, I will never be free of Borderline Personality Disorder. Medications mediate some of the symptoms, but there is no “cure” for what ails me.

Not have a sexual anchor in my marriage makes it worse. Borderlines have a desperate need for intimate connection with their partners; and though the rest of my marriage could be categorized as great, the missing sexual component weighs heavily — and constantly — on my heart. There’s a hole in my soul that I cannot fill without willing cooperation from Mitch.

Solutions That Cause More Problems

In the past, we have tried to remedy this issue by allowing for affairs. The problem with that is that Borderlines fall hard and fast for their partners; and a sexual relationship always turns into more, which inevitably threatens my relationship with Mitchell and confuses the shit out of the guy I’m having the affair with. End game? It’s not a viable solution. Too many people get hurt.

One of the reasons (and there are several) that I quit therapy was because my therapist thought it would be best if I left my marriage. She saw Mitchell’s unwillingness to meet my sexual needs as a serious problem — and to be fair, it is a serious problem. However, marriage is more than just sex (a sentiment that my husband has drilled into my head repeatedly); and Mitch and I do the rest of it pretty flawlessly. We support one another’s ambitions and dreams, we laugh together, we’re the best of friends, and we have more than twenty years of history — and a fantastic kid — together. And our sexual problems stem from more than my husband’s “unwillingness to meet my needs”.

Mitch is a morbidly obese, Type-1 diabetic. A sexual relationship, if I’m being totally honest, isn’t physically possible. Until he decides to do something about his weight, we’re pretty much stuck in endless chastity… and regardless of how much we love one another, it may ultimately lead to the end of our marriage; but I’m not willing to give up just yet.

I also can’t leave my marriage. I’m in school, and do not have my own income. Even when I wasn’t in school, maintaining gainful employment was a problem; and according to my psychiatrist (who only sees me for fifteen minutes every three months), it might always be. End result? I’m terrified that I might not have what it takes to make it on my own.

So I’m stuck in a perpetual state of limbo. I’m waiting to finish school so that I can seek employment that might seem meaningful to me. I’m waiting to see if Mitch is willing to change in order to save our marriage. I’m waiting to find out if I do have what it takes to make it on my own. But I’m forty-four years old; and if what my friends are experiencing is any indication of what the dating world is like, it’s pretty damn dismal out there.

I’ve got a good man, and I’m grateful for that… but I need him to be a better man, and I know he wants to be.

In the Meantime

If I don’t stop binge-eating at night, I will continue to wake up in the morning feeling sluggish and ill. If I don’t start eating during the day, I will continue to binge-eat at night. If I don’t get off my duff and start hiking in the morning, I will continue to witness the discouraging growth of said duff. If I don’t start making simple changes, I will continue to be stuck in a self-pity-party, writing these damn invitations to join me in my misery. If I don’t get back into therapy (something we can’t really afford), I will continue to spiral in and out of darkness… feeling more and more alone in my struggles.

I write about changing a lot… I just haven’t found the strength to do much about it. And as I’ve repeatedly said before, something needs to change. Namely? Me.

4 thoughts on “S.O.S. – Lacking Motivation

  1. I can relate to a lot of this. Right now I’m searching for something, anything, to fuel my addiction too. Since drinking and drugs are (temporarily…) out of the question. I also struggle with body image, so I try to not do the binge eating thing, but even that is oh so tempting.
    I have the opposite problem in my marriage. He’s a great guy and all, but that doesn’t solve the sexual trauma I’ve been through. So while he wants a “normal” or typical sexual relationship…I just don’t. It brings back too much for me. Yet at the same time..I feel wildly useless and unloved if he isn’t trying to be with me.

    Oh the joys of trauma, am I right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel you, Girl. Trauma is a monster… always waiting around the next darkened corner to pounce. Which, of course, always triggers the shit out of me — warping my behavior in bizarre and mysterious ways.

      My response to sexual trauma was quite the opposite — I became hypersexual, and have remained so. I feel lost without a sexual connection; whereas Mitch finds other forms of intimacy far more important.

      It’s a struggle; but at the end of the day, I’m trying to get through it with my best friend. I just hope that someday he can return to me (under the sheets)… and I wait (sometimes patiently, sometimes in agony) for that day.

      Like

    • Yeah, I’ve approached that with him. I bought the “toy” with all the fixings; and though he said he was open to it, it’s been more than a year without any action behind those words.

      If I ever do get to a point where I can support myself (and I believe that day is coming upon the completion of my degree), his stubborn ways may be the end of us… but I hope not.

      Liked by 1 person

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