Fighting the Voices

Well folks, things are not going as swimmingly as I’d like today; but let’s start with the 90 in 90 count.

Four Down, Eighty-Six to Go

I hiked 3.31 miles yesterday morning. I was tired and sore, and didn’t want to; but I stomped around anyway. I probably could’ve gone a little farther; but I decided to acquiesce to the unrelenting ache in my shins rather than push too far and possibly sustain an injury.

The wetlands open late on Mondays (9 a.m. versus sunrise) for maintenance and landscaping; so I knew I’d have to hike a different trail this morning… but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

Illness Intervenes… But Defeatist Hamster Will Not Win

After attending a Sunday morning meeting of the Anonymous, and running errands (groceries, vape shop, etcetera), I came home and had a salad. Almost immediately after eating said salad, I experienced horrible stomach cramps and intestinal issues. By early evening I was dehydrated and weak, and had to lie down for a couple of hours.

This morning wasn’t much better. I had to take additional meds to control the gastrointestinal issues, and slept until seven-thirty… waking too weak and shaky to hike.

The nefarious lil’ defeatist hamster in my head now whispers, “You screwed the pooch, you must restart the count.” But if I listen to this devilish lil’ beast, I won’t get up tomorrow and hike. I’ll throw in the towel for a couple of days, figuring “If I have to start over, why bother doing it right away?”

Instead, I choose to accept that there will be days here and there when I cannot physically handle a stomp through the desert. (Notice that I said physically. This does not give me permission to use a dark mental attitude as an excuse.) I will not listen to the negative furballs in my head. I’ll listen to the pom-pom toting ones that are willing me to succeed. Which means I will get up tomorrow morning and resume the count. They’ll be a little blip, and it’ll just be 90 in 91.

I hope you will allow me this tiny discrepancy, Dear Reader.

Addict Mentality: You Can’t Tell Me What to Do!

The Lose It app has been both a blessing and a curse. I’m learning more about portion sizes — for instance, when you purchase a prepackaged salad the damn thing might contain 3.5 servings — and calorie requirements for both survival and weight loss. (Though I’m left wondering, when in the hell did we — as a society — start consuming such large portions of food?! It’s quite scary, actually.)

I find that I’m below my calorie count (way below) before seven in the evening. The app recalibrates as you move throughout the day; so if you’re under for breakfast and lunch, your allowance for snacks and dinner goes up.

However, instead of eating like I normally eat, I find myself wanting to push the limits. If there are calories left, I feel a desperate need to consume them. “Look at that! I can eat six rice Krispy treats instead of two!”

I don’t blame the app for this, as I’m sure it is not the way the creators intended for it to be used. I blame the addict mentality that so often moves to the forefront of my behavior when I’m being told to follow rules. It goes something like this…

And it never ends well.

I haven’t yet figured out how to successfully navigate my caloric intake. Clearly, limits and my way of thinking do not always sync in harmony. (Get it, “Pitch Perfect” GIF and “sync in harmony”? I crack myself up. 🤣)

I explained all of this to Mitch last night on the phone; and he has vowed to help me figure it all out when he returns home tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that.

We All Hear Voices

It kills me that “hearing voices” is always attributed to mental illness, because the truth of the matter is that we all hear voices.

We hear the echoed lessons our parents have tried to teach us throughout our lives — and eventually come to the conclusion that they had more knowledge and wisdom than we gave them credit for.

We hear the haunted “mean girl” or “bully” taunting from our adolescent experiences, and sometimes they still affect our body-image and/or self-esteem.

Some of us hear the nasty whispers of our abusers, and wonder about our worth.

The trick is to recognize which messages help us move forward, and which are holding us back… to rediscover the fearless voice of childhood that was once entirely our own, and harness all of the hopes and dreams that accompanied it. To become who we were always meant to be.

This is my hope for all of us.

Music Interlude: Jana Kramer “Voices”

We are all beautiful, and deserve to be “confident and free.”

7 thoughts on “Fighting the Voices

  1. Ah, the addict mentality and how it serves us. I get it. Good for you for sticking with it though! It always feels better to stomp your way through it than to not do it at all and regret it later.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “You’re not the boss of me” is my addict-brain mantra for sure. Especially when I’m trying to talk myself out of bad choices.
    I’m glad you decided to give yourself grace for illness, and I hope you feel a hundred percent soon. Gastric distress is the worst.

    Like

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